He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
