My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
