Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
