So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
