I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
