i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
