In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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