hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was CRYING into my vagina
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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