ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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