My friends, they love my intelligence
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
