Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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