Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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