The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
