I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
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I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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