I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
pray to the hookup gods
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
