never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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