I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
