I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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