Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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