And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
