I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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