I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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