Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
