I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
