I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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