I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
