dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
