He had one of those small greek statue penises
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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