Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
