Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
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If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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