I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
