My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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