dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We talked him into tasing himself.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
