dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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