Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
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