I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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