Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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