I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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