I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
