the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
