My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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