wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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