The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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