thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That accounts for only three of the penises
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
