I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
