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Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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