I think my fart just growled at me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
