Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
