Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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