sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
