KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
