i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
