I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
