Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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