the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
