I seem to have left my pride at pride
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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