The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
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it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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