he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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