im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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